Warning Signs That You're Dating a Loser

By Joseph M. Carver, PhDMental Health ProfessionalClinical Psychologist Dr. Joe Carver's Website
Dr. Carver has thirty years of clinical experience in a variety of settings including inpatient, outpatient, private practice, state hospitals, child-protective agencies, community mental health centers, neuro-rehabilitation, and now juvenile correctional facilities. He is currently in private practice and the Psychology Supervisor at Ohio River Valley Juvenile Correctional Facility:


"The Loser"

Very few relationships start on terms other than sweetness and politeness. In the beginning, "the honeymoon" of the relationship, it's difficult to determine what type of individual you are dating. Both you and the date are guarded, trying to obtain information about the other as much as possible without seeming like a police detective.
Romantic relationships can be wonderful with the right person. A relationship with the wrong individual however can lead to years of heartache, emotional/social damage, and even physical damage. A damaging adult partner can damage us, damage our loved ones, and even damage the way we feel about love and romance in the future. They can turn what is supposed to be a loving, supporting, and understanding relationship into the "fatal attraction" often described in movies. There are a variety of "bad choices" that may be encountered each week - most of which are easily to identify and avoid. We all know to avoid people that appear insane or abusive and not select them as a dating partner. However, some individuals are better at hiding their personality and behavior abnormalities. In an effort to provide some warning about these very damaging individuals, a type of individual commonly found in the dating scene, a male or female labeled "The Loser".

"The Loser" is a type of partner that creates much social, emotional and psychological damage in a relationship.

"The Loser" has permanent personality characteristics that create this damage. These are characteristics that they accept simply as the way they are and not a problem or psychological difficulty. In one sense, they have always lived with this personality and behavior, often something they probably learned from their relatives/family.

Psychologists usually treat the victims of "The Loser", women or men who arrive at the office severely depressed with their self-confidence and self-esteem totally destroyed.

The following list is an attempt to outline the characteristics of "The Loser" and provide a manner in which women and men can identify potentially damaging relationships before they are themselves severely damaged emotionally or even physically. If your partner possesses even one of these features, there is risk in the relationship. More than three of these indicators and you are involved with "The Loser" in a very high risk relationship that will eventually create damage to you.

When a high number of these features are present - it's a probably or possibility. You will be hurt and damaged by "The Loser" if you stay in the relationship.

1. Rough Treatment "The Loser" will hurt you on purpose. If he or she hits you, twists your arm, pulls your hair, kicks you, shoves you, or breaks your personal property EVEN ONCE, drop them. Male losers often begin with behaviors that move you physically or hit the wall. Female losers often slap, kick and even punch their male partners when upset.
2. Quick Attachment and Expression "The Loser" has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to "The Loser" is how quickly he or she says "I Love You" or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you'll hear that you're the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You'll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the "honeymoon phase" - where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying "If it's too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!" You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you'll miss the major point - it doesn't make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks. It's true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause "The Loser" to detach from you as quickly as they committed. "The Loser" typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.
3. Frightening Temper "The Loser" has a scary temper. If your boyfriend or girlfriend blows up and does dangerous things, like driving too fast because they're mad, breaking/throwing things, getting into fights, or threatening others - that temper will soon be turned in your direction. In the beginning of the relationship, you will be exposed to "witnessed violence" - fights with others, threats toward others, angry outbursts at others, etc. You will also hear of violence in their life,done to them by others and family members, but never who the hurt. You will see and witness this temper - throwing things, yelling, cursing, driving fast, hitting the walls, and kicking things. That quickly serves to intimidate you and fear their potential for violence, although "The Loser" quickly assures you that they are angry at others or situations, not at you. At first, you will be assured that they will never direct the hostility and violence at you - but they are clearly letting you know that they have that ability and capability - and that it might come your way. Later, you fear challenging or confronting them - fearing that same temper and violence will be turned in your direction.
4. Killing Your Self-Confidence "The Loser" repeatedly puts you down. They constantly correct your slight mistakes, making you feel "on guard", unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always doing something wrong. They tell you that you're too fat, too unattractive, or don't talk correctly or look well,or their friends or family don't care for you. This gradual chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem allows them to later treat you badly - as though you deserved it. In public, you will be "walking on eggshells" - always fearing you are doing or saying something that will later create a temper outburst or verbal argument from them, behind closed doors. As they never allow others that know them to see this side of them. because if things don't work-out with you they need to look charming to others possible mates.
5. Cutting Off Your Support In order to control someone completely, you must cut off their supportive friends - sometimes even their family. "The Loser" feels your friends and family might influence you or offer negative opinions about their behavior. "The Loser" begins by telling you these friends treat you badly, take advantage of you, and don't understand the special nature of the love you share with them. In some cases, if they can't get rid of your best same-sex friend, "The Loser" will claim he or she made a pass at them, or told them things about you that they know would upset you if someone said something like that behind your back. If you talk to your friends or family, "The Loser" will punish you by asking multiple questions or making nasty accusations. Eventually, rather than face the verbal punishment, interrogation, and abuse, you'll develop the feeling that it's better not to talk to family and friends. You will withdraw from friends and family, prompting them to become upset with you. "The Loser" then tells you they are treating you badly again and you'd be better to keep your distance from them. Once you are isolated and alone, without support, their control over you can increase.
6. The Mean and Sweet Cycle "The Loser" cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow "The Loser" to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. "The Loser" often apologizes but the damage to your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned, they are molding you into what they want in a mate.
7. It's Always Your Fault "The Loser" blames you for their anger as well as any other behavior that is incorrect. When they cheat on you, if you don't act like they are the best person that you ever had sex with or they think that they don't sexually turn you on when they think you should be glad a person like them even wanted to have sex with you, or enough yell at you, treat you badly, damage your property, had a bad day, or even if you give a bit of your time to someone else when they are talking to you, or embarrass you publicly - it's somehow your fault that you allowed something to upset them. If you are ten minutes late for a date, it's your fault that the male loser drives 80 miles per hour, runs people off the road, and pouts the rest of the evening. "The Loser" tells you their anger and misbehavior would not have happened if you had not made some simple mistake, had loved them more, or had not questioned their behavior. "The Loser" never, repeat "never", takes personal responsibility for their behavior - it's always the fault of someone else. If they drive like a maniac and try to pull an innocent driver off the highway to assault them - it's actually the fault of the other driver (not his) as they didn't use a turn signal when they changed lanes. They give you the impression that you had it (anger, yelling, assault) coming and deserved the anger, violence, pouting, or physical display of aggression.
8. Breakup Panic "The Loser" panics at the idea of breaking up - unless it's totally their idea - then you're dropped like a hot rock. Abusive boyfriends often break down and cry, they plead, they promise to change, and they offer marriage/trips/gifts when you threaten ending the relationship. Both male and female losers may threaten suicide, threaten to return to old sweethearts (who feel lucky they're gone!) - as though you will be responsible for those decisions. "The Loser" offers a multitude of "deals" and halfway measures, like "Let's just date one more month!"
They shower you with phone calls, often every five minutes, hoping that you will make an agreement or see them just to stop the telephone harassment. Some call your relatives, your friends, their friends, and anyone else they can think of - telling those people to call you and tell you how much they love you. Creative losers often create so much social pressure that the victim agrees to go back to the bad relationship rather than continue under the social pressure. Imagine trying to end a relationship and receiving tearful calls from all his or her relatives (they secretly hope you'll keep them so they don't have to), seeing a plea for your return in the newspaper or even on a local billboard, receiving flowers at work each day, or having them arrive at your place of work and offer you a wedding ring (male loser technique) or inform you that they might be pregnant (female loser technique) in front of your coworkers! Their reaction is emotionally intense, a behavior they use to keep you an emotional prisoner. If you go back to them, you actually fear a worse reaction if you threaten to leave again (making you a prisoner) and they later frequently recall the incident to you as further evidence of what a bad person you are. Remember, if your prize dog jumps the fence and escapes, if you get him back you build a higher fence. Once back in the grasp of "The Loser" - escape will be three times as difficult the next time.
9. No Outside Interests "The Loser" will encourage you to drop your hobbies, interests, and involvement with others, but later when you have done all this they will turn on you and say they never told you to drop those things that made you feel good, but yet make sure that you choose not to start doing them again. If you have an individual activity, they demand that they accompany you, making you feel miserable during the entire activity. The idea behind this is to prevent you from having fun or interests other than those which they totally control.
10. Paranoid Control "The Loser" will check up on you and keep track of where you are and who you are with. If you speak to a member of the opposite sex, you receive twenty questions about how you know them. If you don't answer their phone call, you are ask where you were, what were you doing, who you were talking to, etc. They will notice the type of mud on your car, question why you shop certain places, and question why you called a friend, why the friend called you, and so forth. Some losers follow you to the grocery, then later ask if you've been there in an attempt to catch you in a lie. In severe cases, they go through your mail, look through your purse/wallet, hit your radial on the phone when they arrive, or search through your garbage for evidence. High-tech losers may encourage you to make "private" calls to friends from their residence, calls that are being secretly taped for later reference. They may begin to tell you what to wear, what to listen to in music, and how to behave in public. Eventually, they tell you that you can not talk to certain friends or acquaintances, go certain places, or talk about certain issues in public. If no date is present on Friday night - "The Loser" will inform you that they will call you that night - sometime. That effectively keeps you home, awaiting the call, fearing the verbal abuse and questions you might receive if you weren't home for the call. This technique allows "The Loser" to do what they want socially, at the same time controlling your behavior from a distance or a local bar.
11. Public Embarrassment In an effort to keep you under control while in public, "The Loser" will lash out at you, call you names, or say cruel or embarrassing things about you in private, not so big you will notice. But just enough to gain control of you when in front of people. When in public, you quickly learn that any opinion you express may cause them to verbally attack you, either at the time or later. If you stay with "The Loser" too long, you'll soon find yourself politely smiling, saying nothing, and holding on to their arm when in public. You'll also find yourself walking with your head down, fearful of seeing a friend who might speak to you and create an angry reaction in "The Loser".
12. It's Never Enough "The Loser" convinces you that you are never quite good enough, but then they double talk and says you are the best thing that walked into their life.. You don't say "I love you" enough, you don't stand close enough, you don't do enough for them after all their sacrifices, and your behavior always falls short of what is expected. Or their family and friends don't think your are the right match for them, other words they could do better then you, but tell you your who makes them happy. This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence. After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky you are to have them, that other people of the different sex is always hitting on them and never!! NEVER!! Letting you forget how lucky you are to have someone like them wanting to be with you - somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and worthless as you, then again double talk and say how lucky they are to have found you. Mind you the words they use...I found you, like you were lost till they came along.
13. Entitlement "The Loser" has a tremendous sense of entitlement, the attitude that they have a perfectly logical right to do whatever they desire. If cut off in traffic, "The Loser" feels they have the right to run the other driver off the road, assault them, and endanger the lives of other drivers with their temper tantrum. Keep in mind, this same sense of entitlement will be used against you. If you disobey their desires or demands, or violate one of their rules, they feel they are entitled to punish you in any manner they see fit.
14. Your Friends and Family Dislike Them. As the relationship continues, your friends and family will see what "The Loser" is doing to you. They will notice a change in your personality or your withdrawal. They will protest. "The Loser" will tell you they are jealous of the "special love" you have and then use their protest and opinion as further evidence that they are against you - not him. The mention of your family members or friends will spark an angry response from them - eventually placing you in the situation where you stop talking about those you care about, even your own family members. "The Loser" will be jealous and threatened by anyone you are close to - even your children. In some cases like if they marry you, or promise of marriage they take over control, your parents or brothers/sisters/even kids will not be allowed to visit your home, with-out their okay.
15. Bad Stories People often let you know about their personality by the stories they tell about themselves. It's the old story about giving a person enough rope and they'll hang themselves. The stories a person tells informs us of how they see themselves, what they think is interesting, and what they think will impress you. A humorous individual will tell funny stories on himself. "The Loser" tells stories of violence, aggression, that had been done to them by others and past mates. How they were insensitive to them, But how you were not like them. They may tell you about past relationships and in every case, they assure you that they were treated horribly despite how wonderful they were to that person. People define themselves with their stories, much like a culture is described by it's folklore and legends. Listen to these stories - they tell you how you will eventually be treated and what's coming your way.
16. The Waitress Test It's been said that when dating, the way an individual treats a waitress or other neutral person of the opposite sex is the way they will treat you in six months. During the "honeymoon phase" of a relationship, you will be treated like a king or queen. However, during that time "The Loser" has not forgotten how he or she basically feels about the opposite sex. Waitresses, clerks, or other neutral individuals will be treated badly. If they are cheap - you'll never receive anything once the honeymoon is over. If they whine, complain, criticize, and torment - that's how they'll treat you in six months. A mentally healthy person is consistent, they treat almost all people the same way all the time. If you find yourself dating a man who treats you like a queen and other females like dirt - hit the road.
17. The Reputation As mentioned, mentally healthy individuals are consistent in their personality and their behavior. "The Loser" may have two distinct reputations - a group of individuals who will give you glowing reports and a group that will warn you that they are serious trouble. If you ask ten people about a new restaurant - five say it's wonderful and five say it's a hog pit - you clearly understand that there's some risk involved in eating there. "The Loser" may actually brag about their reputation as a "loving mate", "great lover", "giving person" or "always meeting the wrong kind of people to hook-up with". They may tell you stories where they have receive professional help. Pay attention to the reputation. Reputation is the public perception of an individual's behavior. If the reputation has two sides, good and bad, your risk is high. You will be dealing with the bad side once the honeymoon is over in the relationship. With severe behavior problems, "The Loser" will be found to have almost no friends, just acquaintances. Emotionally healthy and moral individuals will not tolerate friendships with losers that treat others so badly. If you find yourself disliking the friends of "The Loser", it's because they operate the same way he or she does and you can see it in them.
18. Walking on Eggshells As a relationship with "The Loser" continues, you will gradually be exposed to verbal intimidation, temper tantrums, lengthy interrogations about trivial matters, violence/threats directed at others but witnessed by you, paranoid preoccupation with your activities, and a variety of put-downs on your character. You will quickly find yourself "walking on eggshells" in their presence - fearful to bring up topics, fearful to mention that you spoke to or saw a friend, and fearful to question or criticize the behavior of "The Loser". Instead of experiencing the warmth and comfort of love, you will be constantly on edge, tense when talking to others (they might say something that you'll have to explain later), and fearful that you'll see someone you'll have to greet in public. Dates and times together will be more comfortable and less threatening when totally alone - exactly what "The Loser" wants - no interference with their control or dominance.
19. Discounted Feelings/Opinions "The Loser" is so self-involved and self-worshiping that the feelings and opinions of others are considered worthless. As the relationship continues and you begin to question what you are feeling or seeing in their behavior, you will be told that your feelings and opinions don't make sense, they're silly, and that you are emotionally disturbed to even think of such things. "The Loser" has no interest in your opinion or your feelings - but they will be disturbed and upset that you dare question their behavior. "The Loser" is extremely hostile toward criticism and often reacts with anger or rage when their behavior is questioned.
20. They Make You "Crazy" "The Loser" operates in such a damaging way that you find yourself doing "crazy" things in self-defense. If "The Loser" is scheduled to arrive at 8:00 pm - you call Time & Temperature to cover the radial, check your garbage for anything that might get you in trouble, and call your family and friends to tell them not to call you that night. You warn family/friends not to bring up certain topics, avoid locations in the community where you might see co-workers or friends, and not speak to others for fear of the 20 questions. You become paranoid as well - being careful what you wear and say. Nonviolent males find themselves in physical fights with female losers. Nonviolent females find themselves yelling and screaming when they can no longer take the verbal abuse or intimidation. In emotional and physical self-defense, we behave differently and oddly. While we think we are "going crazy" - it's important to remember that there is no such thing as "normal behavior" in a combat situation. Rest assured that your behavior will return to normal if you detach from "The Loser" before permanent psychological damage is done.

Dangerous Versions of "The Loser"

There are more severe if not dangerous versions of "The Loser" that have been identified over the years. If you are involved in a relationship with one of these versions, you may require professional and legal assistance to save yourself.
Physical Abuser Physical abusers begin the relationship with physical moving - shoving, pushing, forcing, etc. That quickly moves into verbal threats with physical gestures - the finger in the face, clinched fist in the face, and voiced physical threats such as "You make me want to break your face!" Eventually, these combine to form actual physical abuse - hitting, slapping, and kicking. "The Loser" is always sorry the next day and begins the mean-then-sweet cycle all over again. Getting away from physical abusers often requires the assistance of family, law enforcement agencies, or local abuse agencies. Female losers often physically attack their partner, break car windows, or behave with such violence that the male partner is forced to physically protect himself from the assault. If the female loser is bruised in the process of self-protection, as when physically restraining her from hitting, those bruises are then "displayed" to others as evidence of what a bad person the partner is and how abusive they have been in the relationship.
People often then remain in the abusive and controlling relationship due to fear. While such fears are unrealistic as "The Loser" is only interested in controlling you, those fears feel very real when combined with the other characteristics of "The Loser".
Psychotic or psychiatrically ill losers may also stalk, follow, or harass you. They may threaten physical violence, show weapons, or threaten to kill you or themselves if you leave them. If you try to date others, they may follow you or threaten your new date. Your new date may be subjected to phone harassment, vandalism, threats, and even physical assaults. If you are divorced, separated, or recently ended another relationship, "The Loser" will be intimidating toward your ex-partner, fearing you might return if the other partner is not "scared off". You may need help and legal action to separate from these individuals.

Guidelines for Detachment

Separating from "The Loser" often involves three stages: The Detachment, Ending the Relationship, and the Follow-up Protection.

The Detachment
During this part of separating from "The Loser", you recognize what you must do and create an Exit Plan. Many individuals fail in attempts to detach from "The Loser" because they leave suddenly and impulsively, without proper planning, and without resources. In many cases, "The Loser" has isolated their partner from others, has control of finances, or has control of major exit needs such as an automobile. During the detachment phase you should...
- Observe the way you are treated. Watch for the methods listed above and see how "The Loser" works.
- Gradually become more boring, talk less, share less feelings and opinions. The goal is almost to bore "The Loser" to lessen the emotional attachment, at the same time not creating a situation which would make you a target.
- Quietly contact your family and supportive others. Determine what help they might be - a place to stay, protection, financial help, etc.
- If you fear violence or abuse, check local legal or law enforcement options such as a restraining order.
- If "The Loser" is destructive, slowly move your valuables from the home if together, or try to recover valuables if in their possession. In many cases, you may lose some personal items during your detachment - a small price to pay to get rid of "The Loser".
- Stop arguing, debating or discussing issues. Stop defending and explaining yourself - responding with comments such as "I've been so confused lately" or "I'm under so much stress I don't know why I do anything anymore".
- Begin dropping hints that you are depressed, burned out, or confused about life in general. Remember - "The Loser" never takes responsibility for what happens in any relationship. "The Loser" will feel better about leaving the relationship if they can blame it on you. Many individuals are forced to "play confused" and dull, allowing "The Loser" to tell others "My girlfriend (or boyfriend) about half nuts!" They may tell others you're crazy or confused but you'll be safer. Allow them to think anything they want about you as long as you're in the process of detaching.
- Don't start another relationship. That will only complicate your situation and increase the anger. Your best bet is to "lay low" for several months. Remember, "The Loser" will quickly locate another victim and become instantly attached as long as the focus on you is allowed to die down.
- As "The Loser" starts to question changes in your behavior, admit confusion, depression, emotionally numbness, and a host of other boring reactions. This sets the foundation for the ending of the relationship.
Ending the Relationship
Remembering that "The Loser" doesn't accept responsibility, responds with anger to criticism, and is prone to panic detachment reactions - ending the relationship continues the same theme as the detachment.
- Explain that you are emotionally numb, confused, and burned out. You can't feel anything for anybody and you want to end the relationship almost for his or her benefit. Remind them that they've probably noticed something is wrong and that you need time to sort out your feelings and fix whatever is wrong with you. As disgusting as it may seem, you may have to use a theme of "I'm not right for anyone at this point in my life." If "The Loser" can blame the end on you, as they would if they ended the relationship anyway, they will depart faster.
- If "The Loser" panics, you'll receive a shower of phone calls, letters, notes on your car, etc. React to each in the same manner - a boring thanks. If you overreact or give in, you've lost control again.
- Focus on your need for time away from the situation. Don't agree to the many negotiations that will be offered - dating less frequently, dating only once a week, taking a break for only a week, going to counseling together, etc. As long as "The Loser" has contact with you they feel there is a chance to manipulate you.
- "The Loser" will focus on making you feel guilty. In each phone contact you'll hear how much you are loved, how much was done for you, and how much they have sacrificed for you. At the same time, you'll hear about what a bum you are for leading them on, not giving them an opportunity to fix things, and embarrassing them by ending the relationship.
- Don't try to make them understand how you feel - it won't happen. "The Loser" only is concerned with how they feel - your feelings are irrelevant. You will be wasting your time trying to make them understand and they will see the discussions as an opportunity to make you feel more guilty and manipulate you.
- Don't fall for sudden changes in behavior or promises of marriage, trips, gifts, etc. By this time you have already seen how "The Loser" is normally and naturally. While anyone can change for a short period of time, they always return to their normal behavior once the crisis is over.
- Seek professional counseling for yourself or the support of others during this time. You will need encouragement and guidance. Keep in mind, if "The Loser" finds out you are seeking help they will criticize the counseling, the therapist, or the effort.
- Don't use terms like "someday", "maybe", or "in the future". When "The Loser" hears such possibilities, they think you are weakening and will increase their pressure.
- Imagine a dead slot machine. If we are in Las Vegas at a slot machine and pull the handle ten times and nothing happens - we move on to another machine. However, if on the tenth time the slot machine pays us even a little, we keep pulling the handle - thinking the jackpot is on the way. If we are very stern and stable about the decision to end the relationship over many days, then suddenly offer a possibility or hope for reconciliation - we've given a little pay and the pressure will continue. Never change your position - always say the same thing. "The Loser" will stop playing a machine that doesn't pay off and quickly move to another.

Follow-up Protection

"The Loser" never sees their responsibility or involvement in the difficulties in the relationship. From a psychological standpoint, "The Loser" has lived and behaved in this manner most of their life, clearly all of their adult life. As they really don't see themselves at fault or as an individual with a problem, "The Loser" tends to think that the girlfriend or boyfriend is simply going through a phase - their partner (victim) might be temporarily mixed up or confused, they might be listening to the wrong people, or they might be angry about something and will get over it soon. "The Loser" rarely detaches completely and will often try to continue contact with the partner even after the relationship is terminated. During the Follow-up Protection period, some guidelines are:
- Never change your original position. It's over permanently! Don't talk about possible changes in your position in the future. You might think that will calm "The Loser" but it only tells them that the possibilities still exist and only a little more pressure is needed to return to the relationship.
- Don't agree to meetings or reunions to discuss old times. For "The Loser", discussing old times is actually a way to upset you, put you off guard, and use the guilt to hook you again.
- Don't offer details about your new life or relationships. Assure him that both his life and your life are now private and that you hope they are happy.
- If you start feeling guilty during a phone call, get off the phone fast. More people return to bad marriages and relationships due to guilt than anything else. If you listen to those phone calls, as though taping them, you'll find "The Loser" spends most of the call trying to make you feel guilty.
- In any contact with the ex "Loser", provide only a status report, much like you'd provide to your Aunt Gladys. For example: "I'm still working hard and not getting any better at tennis. That's about it."
- When "The Loser" tells you how difficult the breakup has been, share with him some general thoughts about breaking-up and how finding the right person is difficult. While "The Loser" wants to focus on your relationship, talk in terms of Ann Landers - "Well, breaking up is hard on anyone. Dating is tough in these times. I'm sure we'll eventually find someone that's right for both of us." Remember - nothing personal!
- Keep all contact short and sweet - the shorter the better. As far as "The Loser" is concerned, you're always on your way somewhere, there's something in the microwave, or your mother is walking up the steps to your home. Wish "The Loser" well but always with the same tone of voice that you might offer to someone you have just talked to at the grocery store. For phone conversations, electronic companies make a handy gadget that produces about twenty sounds - a doorbell, an oven or microwave alarm, a knock on the door, etc. That little device is handy to use on the phone - the microwave dinner just came out or someone is at the door. Do whatever you have to do to keep the conversation short - and not personal.

Summary

In all of our relationships throughout life, we will meet a variety of individuals with many different personalities. Some are a joy to have in our life and some provide us with life-long love and security. Others we meet pose some risk to us and our future due to their personality and attitudes. Both in medicine and mental health - the key to health is the early identification and treatment of problems - before they reach the point that they are beyond treatment. In years of psychotherapy and counseling practice, treating the victims of "The Loser", patterns of attitude and behavior emerge in "The Loser" that can now be listed and identified in the hopes of providing early identification and warning. When those signs and indicators surface and the pattern is identified, we must move quickly to get away from the situation. Continuing a relationship with "The Loser" will result in a relationship that involves intimidation, fear, angry outbursts, paranoid control, and a total loss of your self-esteem and self-confidence.
If you have been involved in a long-term relationship with "The Loser", after you successfully escape you may notice that you have sustained some psychological damage that will require professional repair. In many cases, the stress has been so severe that you may have a stress-produced depression. You may have severe damage to your self-confidence/self-esteem or to your feelings about the opposite sex or relationships. Psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, and counselors are available in your community to assist and guide you as you recover from your damaging relationship with "The Loser".

Credit: This handout was written by Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., a Clinical Psychologist. It is provided as a public service and can be reproduced as needed. Dr. Carver is in private practice in Southern Ohio and is affiliated with three regional hospitals."

Heartache Thru My Eyes

" Lately I suspect that I cause myself a lot of useless stress and sorrow, but I don't see how I'm doing it. Our lives are meant to be bright, noble, and ever ascending. This promise of our True Potential is made Good in us by the fulfillment of our Possibilities, and not through the interminable struggle of trying to do what is impossible. Most of our sorrows are the offspring of trying to be something we have no Real need to be, in trying to do what cannot, and need not, be doing. We unknowingly hurt ourselves. First, whenever we are goaded into attempting the impossible, we not only suffer defeat but we also strengthen the self that would have us believe it's possible to put out a fire with gasoline. Second, as we see the fact of these false workings in our mind and heart the only possible solution is to end our participation with their foolish guidance. In other words, our needless heartaches end as we see that the healing we hope for begins with letting go of our unseen relationship with those parts of ourselves responsible for our self-hurting. Look at the small places in our psychic lives where we are trying to do the impossible and where, as a result of our misunderstanding, we are still sowing and reaping the harvest of frustration and heartache.

It is impossible to see where you have made a mistakes, when your swimming in your own self-pity !!

It is impossible: To be carried to a secure and peaceful harbor, in your mind on a ship crafted by anxiety or fearful feelings.

It is impossible: To gain real happiness at the expense of the pain of someone else, or thinking they caused all your pain and you had nothing to do with it.

It is impossible :To raise your self-esteem yourself by pushing another person lower, in order to make you look better.

It is impossible : To let someone take advantage of you without living in secret fear of them, because you allowed them into your part life.

It is impossible: To realize Life as long as we remain filled with our own self-pity, and blame others for putting us there.

It is impossible: To rise above any fear or worry we have found to be buried somewhere in our own unsuspected misunderstanding thinking if we don't learn to reach down inside of us and pull it up and look at it, in therapy to learn how to throw it away and move on with out that pain.

It is impossible: To receive forgiveness in life from that someone, without having learned what it means to freely forgive the person who you feel cause you to feel pain and sadness..

It is impossible: To wish another person any kind of ill for any reason, and not be made to feel sick with in ourselves. Because we spent so much energy trying to hurt someone else we end up paying for in hurt and bitterness.

It is impossible: To hate what conditions in life we are giving by life it's self, Then wonder angrily at the same time why we can't learn from what happened."

RELATIONSHIPS Is it Time to Break Up? 10 Questions to Ask Yourself

" How do you know when it's time to move on? When should you try to trust again and when you should just cut your losses, call it a day, and get out of the relationship. While there are many situations where trust can be successfully rebuilt and relationships salvaged, there are other circumstances where romantic reparations should not be attempted. Recognizing an unhealthy relationship is not always easy when you are in the midst of it. Many people are 'blinded' to the unpleasant reality and are unable to--or are afraid to--admit that they are in a dead-end situation. Here are ten questions to ask yourself that may aid in determining whether your relationship is worth saving. This is not an exhaustive list, but if you can answer yes to one or more of the following questions, it may be time to move on:

1. Does your mate disrespect you? Does he or she make you feel bad about yourself? Do you feel emotionally drained on a regular basis? A positive relationship should not leave you feeling exhausted and depleted. If your mate feels the need to constantly put you down or embarrass you in front of others for no apparent reason, then he or she is probably insecure. Your mate may think that he or she is not good enough for you and insulting you is a method of trying to bring you down to his or her level. There is no excuse for someone intentionally belittling the person they claim to love. Mental abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse. If you have tried to bring this up with your mate and the only response you get is more insults; it's time to find someone who will build you up instead of tear you down.

2. Is your mate controlling or excessively jealous? Does your mate want to know your every waking move? Does he or she get jealous or angry over innocent situations? There are many reasons why your mate may feel the need to exert control over you. Here are the three most common scenarios: your mate sees you as an object or a possession rather than an equal, your mate is insecure due to betrayals in previous relationships, or your mate is being deceptive and is attempting to cover it up or make up for the guilt by accusing you of wrong-doing. This type of behavior can also be a characteristic of your mate's personality. This is the worst situation, because there is virtually no hope for rectifying the situation if this is the case. If you have not given your mate any reason to doubt your word, and he or she is still unable to trust anything you say or do, attempt to uncover your mate's rationale for behaving in this manner. If your mate does not realize how possessive he or she has been acting, give your mate a chance to change.

3. Is your mate physically abusive? This one is pretty straight-forward: if you get hit, it's time to quit. I know that it's not always easy to leave an abusive partner, but you have to find a way to get out. It's not only detrimental to a successful relationship; it's dangerous to your well-being. If you need help, but don't know where to turn, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) or visit their website at ndvh.org.

4. Is your mate completely different from the person you fell in love with? Do you often wonder, "What the heck happened to that sweet, caring person I first met?" Everyone will, and should, change to a certain extent over the course of a long-term relationship. But there are some people who put on a facade in the early stages of dating to woo potential partners and then after they get comfortable in a relationship, their true colors come out. Maybe that attentive person you knew and loved doesn't listen to a word you say anymore. If your mate has made a 180-degree turnaround, drop the chameleon and get with someone who is real right from the start.

5. Do you and your mate have completely different life goals? While it's true that opposites attract, what initially turned you on to someone may be what eventually turns you off. You may come to realize that your beliefs, attitudes, interests, or values simply do not mesh.

6. Does your mate fear commitment? Have you been with your mate for years and yet the slightest mention of furthering the relationship makes him or her go into panic mode? I know many women say all guys have a commitment phobia, but I know some women who are also afraid to take the next step. Sometimes, it's just a matter of timing and then there are relationships where all the time in the world won't change a thing. I'm sorry, but if your mate doesn't know if he or she wants to commit to you after 1-years of being in a relationship, then he or she probably isn't your soul mate, and they really don't want to marry you or care if you stay or go. As long as they don't have to tie the knot to keep you. If you are in a situation like this, stop wasting your time and find someone who wants the kind of relationship you are seeking.

7. Is there a complete loss of interest or attraction? Are you bored with your mate? Do you think of your mate more as an old friend than a lover? If you look at your mate and not even so much as a spark of a spark flies, the fire in your relationship may have died. There are ways to re-ignite the flame. Try to add romance back into your relationship. If you have tried everything and you still can't spice up your relationship, it is probably best to end it on a positive note so that you can remain friends.

8. Does your mate have a track record of cheating? Has your mate broken your trust over and over again? Does your mate cheat, apologize, get back on your good side, and then stray again? This trust can only be rebuilt if the person who committed the betrayal is truly remorseful for their actions and the pain it caused. He or she must be ready to make a change and not make the same mistake again. Don't become a doormat for your mate to walk all over. Some people cannot, or should I say will not, ever be faithful. Do not keep believing empty promises. If you have forgiven your mate before and transgressions continue to occur; move on to someone who can be committed.

9. Are you in a long-distance relationship with no end in sight? Long-distance love is hard enough, but if neither one of you ever plans on re-locating to be with the other, it may be time to sever your ties. A romantic relationship needs physical interaction to thrive over time. And this can be done if you are faithful ONLY!! To this person and make a point to at least make daily contact with them somehow threw the email system or a phone call and when you are not together, also if you live more them 2-hours away from each other going one way you should try and work out a system to where you both take turns going to see the other. Spend some face to face time with each other at least no less then 2-!! Times a month. Their can be long-distance success for increments of time for everyone, If your planning on marrying this person and your just waiting for that happy day to move all you box's under one roof , that's fine to wait to live together if you both understand this is why your not living in the same town or house with them. But if you really care about this person, and want to keep them them from moving onto to someone else. DO!! NOT!! String them along as to when you both may become Husband & Wife, forever is a long time set a time line at least 1- year and not more from the time you both agree you would like to marry the other. So unless one of you plans on making the move sometime in the near future, it may be best to let that other person go to find someone that wants the same as them, and the person that has a problem with commitment to another person needs to stay out of the dating scene and talk with a therapist about why they can't commit to another person, and find out why they are always looking for something better or afraid to let someone love them. Or this person will keep repeating this same loop over and over again hurting every person they date, and that is a form of ABUSE!!

10. Love...What's that? Make a list of the reasons you want to stay in the relationship. If that list is void of the word love, you are selling yourself short. Maybe all of your friends and family love your mate and you feel pressured to stay in the relationship even though you really want out. Don't stay with your mate for the sake of anyone else--not your parents, not your friends, and not even your kids. This is the only life you get; don't waste it with someone you don't love, or you know don't love you.

I believe in preserving the family and trying your best to make a marriage work, but I also feel that people have a right to happiness. When marriage and children are involved, things are not always as cut and dried. But physical or mental abuse and excessive cheating are very good reasons to consider divorce. If you are thinking about ending your marriage, I strongly advise consulting a mental health professional before making a final decision.
If you are not married and you answered yes to one or more of the above questions, most likely it is time to move on. But, before you make any hasty decisions, make sure that you carefully consider if you have given your relationship a fair chance, if you feel you have and its making you lose who you feel you want to be or are. Then it's time to let go even if you are hurting over letting go. "

Granny defends her right to do pot

"A 66-year-old British woman who admits to helping a group
of seniors cook marijuana into food for medicinal purposes
has been charged with trafficking. Patricia Tabram told The
Telegraph she turned to the drug in an attempt to offset
the effects of tinnitus, mild depression and pains after a
car crash. She began using it in soups, cakes and stews
and introduced others to the secret ingredient. Acting on
a tip, police raided her home and seized about $1,500 worth
of the plant. She told police she had clubbed together with
a group of elderly people to obtain cannabis for various
medicinal reasons. She also told the newspaper she was
writing a book entitled "Grandma Eats Cannabis," featuring
recipes for cannabis chocolate cake, lemon and lime
cheesecake and chicken and leek pie. Tabram will appear
in court again on possession and intent to supply
charges and reports from a probation officer and
psychologist will be presented."

Who Said Getting Old wasn't Great!!

" At 85 years of age, Morris marries LouAnne, a lovely 25-year-old. Because her new husband is so old, LouAnne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris are to have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities, LouAnne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of LouAnne, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, LouAnne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action! Somewhat surprised, LouAnne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses LouAnne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves.
LouAnne is set to go to sleep again. However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again. Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.
As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once! You're a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to LouAnne and says, "You mean I was here already????""

FREEDOM ISN'T FREE

:" This was sent to me in an e-mail in reply to a post:(Let's find a president that can do this) I thought I should share it. Instead of leaving it in a comment box. IS.. The thoughts & ramblings of a fellow reader..I thank her for thinking about what I posted..Read below:


There is some truth to this coffee talk, (If you can read this thank a teacher if you can read this in English thank a soldier!!) EXACTLY although some may feel angry because this war still continues and some may feel different. The TRUTH AND FACT we seem to forget........

We are AMERICANS !!!!!! FREE be thankful you can have your opinion, go to school, have support (welfare), have as many children you want. Practice your religion you choose. Some may not agree but for now what is the right thing to do as a AMERICAN?


SUPPORT OUR TROUPES!! Be thankful you can sit with a loved one, grab a burger with a friend. America is made up of free Americans over the age of eighteen we have a voice we the people can make things happen. To blame one person for the war one person for Americas homeless and hunger you might as well blame yourself, have you donated one can of freshly dated soup every other month to a person in need? Have you offered a job even if it is sweeping your side walk for a couple of dollars? Do the math! A small city population of 2000 and 1/2 gave to $2.35 every other month that would be $2350.00 times that buy six that is $14100.00 a year, WOW what a difference. Some people give half or as much in tithing. If we as Americans know hungry and homeless is a problem then why is it so hard to do something about it ourselves. If we were told to do it and it was mandated people would bi%% and complain, but you don't see this kind of giving because Americans myself included don't realize how easy we have it. It is easier to blame some one else than to stand up and make a difference GIVE. Did you know there is some parents who teach their children to give 20% of their allowances to a religion after the age of eight? So why if there is eight year olds and adults giving to a religion? I thought Jesus gave us all 150% ......


what do you think!!!!! LATE AND DEEP!! "

And You Thought You Had It Bad!

"A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.

Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart!""

Walk Away

LetsSingIt. :"Well I' just came out of a 4-year courtship, which I thought I would marry this person in a couple of months. But Hell is where we went !! So I'm drifting from pissed off at men in the world and crying in my beer...Yes I've found beer don't taste to bad...Well people till I work out my angry things may get a bit crazy here, anyone got any good advice on getting over and moving on?

You've got your mother and your sister & every other, undercover, telling you what to say. You think I'm stupid...

But the truth is, that it's Cupid, baby...

Loving you has made me this way. So before you point your finger...

Get your hands off of my trigger, oh yeah..

You need to know this situations getting old. And now the more you talk, the less I can take I'm looking for attention, Not another question. Should you stay or should you go? Well, if you don't have the answer ..

Why you still standing here.. Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Just walk away I waited here for you like a kid waiting after school..

So tell me, how come you never showed! I gave you everything and never asked for much of anything... And look at me, I'm all alone...

So before you start defending, baby!! Stop all your pretending I know you know I know...

So what's the point in being slow Let's get this show on the road today, hey I'm looking for attention Not another question...

Should you stay or should you go...

Well, if you don't have the answer...

Why you still standing here Hey, hey, hey, hey..

Just walk away. I want a love, I want a fire..

To feel the burn, my desires I want a man by my side....

Not a boy who runs and hides...

Are you gonna fight for me...

Die for me? Live and breathe for me?...

Do you care for me?...

Cause if you don't then just leave, I'm looking for attention. Not another question !!.....

Should you stay or should you go...

Well, if you don't have the answer...

Why you still standing here ...

Hey, hey, hey, hey...Just walk away....

If you don't have the answer...Just walk away...Just leaveWalk away, walk away "

Hormones

"Would you believe this was sent to me by who is now my x-lover, guess he did have a sense of humor...Think it says how I'm feeling these days"

"The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands!

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or Significant other!!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff.......And my favorite one...
13. Potential Murder Suspect !

Or men who need a warning! And remember: Money talks...but chocolate sings....Something to giggle about... My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time...He'll buy me diamonds. Here, have some chocolate."

Just When We Think We Know Them

" A retired engineer decided to take a vacation. He booked himself ona Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... until the boat sank! He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day, when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branch and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, where did you get the tools?""Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very un-usual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forge-able, ductile iron. I used that ! for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few hours of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore,he nearly falls out off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home sit down, please. Would you like a drink?" "No. No, thank-you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina-Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet." No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing,"he muses. "What next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and flowers strategically positioned, and smelling of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her! . "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really...long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? "She stares into his eyes and takes his hand in hers... He can't believe what he's hearing. He swallows excitedly, tears start to form in his eyes, and says, "You mean... I can check my e-mail from here?"

Let's find a president that can do this

"WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR
ANY U.S. PRESIDENT (DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN) GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?

My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed. Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete. This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin the reckoning. Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there. The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening. Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption. Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France. In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China. I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world.

A special note to our neighbors… Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change. Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put ‘em? Yep, border security. Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.

We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care. It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thank you guys. We owe you and we won't forget.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.

God bless America. Thank you and good night.


If you can read this, thank a teacher.

If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

A good friend from Quincy Washington sent this to me, thought I would share it with others"

Relationships

"Well, I have figured out something, mates are strange bed fellows. Never wanting what they have and always wanting more then what they have. We search and court each other because we don't want to be alone, then when we finally find a mate that we think we must have, we do the courting dance to get them to want us as much as we want them, only to find out they were never for the taking or one of us don't want the other. This really hurts and causes everyone a lot of pain and mistrust, and we then ask our selves where did we go wrong...Again?

And is their such a thing as a perfect-mate for us? Or do we all forget to look outside of ourselves, and try to learn to be happy with what we have for the moment, because it may be gone just as fast. And ask ourselves this, if this person was to die tomorrow and suddenly be gone for ever, would we of wished we would of spent that time we could of had with them even if it wasn't that great all the time. Then to of never given the feelings we had a chance to grow, because we were always looking for something better. Now...What we did have is gone with this person for...Ever!! Because we as humans always want more then what we had, and now have lost the one person forever who made us feel like we had something to live each day for....Thoughts by Me"

My Dream Mother's Day Wish

"IF MEN GOT PREGNANT...Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay. There would be a cure for stretch marks. Natural childbirth would become obsolete. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 healthproblem. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained. Men would be eager to talk about commitment. They wouldn't think twins were so cute. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM. Breifcases would be used as diaper bags. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes. They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's. Women would rule the world."

Love-Making Tips For Us Over 40 !!

"1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol, Asprin, Nitroglycerin and Oxygen ready just in case you actually! complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbours are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

(Notice I posted it in large type so you can read it)"

Going to The Welfare Office

" A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi...You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah I am, but you started it.

Hope you have a good week-end!"

Bear & God

A priest, - a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.:

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.:

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, “WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.:

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Six FriendsWe Must Have

"Friends are like shoes they can bring you profound joy. Friendship experts agree: Just as your favorite old sneakers aren't perfect for every occasion, neither is every friend. It's crucial to have a colorful assortment of friends from comfy to professional to match the varied parts of your life. Why else are multiple friendships so important? As adults, when our lives and needs and interests become more complex, we need a diverse group of friends who cover all of our dimensions. Seeing different friendships for what they are can preserve and prolong them

So what are the five types of friends that will round out your social wardrobe?

The Work Friend. This relationship is so important having an office pal, boosts productivity, makes the day go faster, and work more fun. You can bitch about your boss, fantasize about changes you'd make if we overthrew them, share dirt on who's good to work with and who's not. And we laugh still. Just be on guard: If only one of you gets that promotion, things could get uncomfortable. Try to discuss it in advance if you can.

The Friend in Your Kid's Class. You absolutely need someone to help you check out whether the teacher is really that unfair, co-mom's keep you informed, but also less isolated. Also someone to hang out with, at the science fair."

The Friend Who's Known You Forever. This friendship is priceless, there the one friend you can call to giggle about the past. She keeps your memories alive by sharing them with you.

The Hobby Buddy. You summon this friend when you want to catch a movie or concert, if you want to enroll in a history class or take a horseback ride. It's very motivating to know a friend with a passion to start with. You speak the same vocabulary. And you also have this common need to share your interest.

The Straight-Talking Friend. You know when you're clear that you need to break up with someone...but just can't quite bite the bullet? Talk to this friend. We all need someone who's honest, gets to the heart of the problem, and doesn't sugar-coat. She also won't tell you the swimsuit looks good when it doesn't, or that it's okay with her that you haven't called.

The Feel-Good Friend. We all need a cheerleader! She never belittles, or tries to make things about her, or says one of those dopey things like, You'll get over it, what you need is a fill-in-the-blank! She really knows how much better people feel when someone just listens. And the feel-good friend isn't there for you only when you feel bad. It's essential to have a friend who can be truly happy for you when good things happen, too.

Relationship TLC

Now that you know which friendships are essential, how do you to find and/or nurture the ones you need? Making friends isn't as easy, along with our lives, are less stable than they used to be, and it can feel awkward to try to make new ones. Three key steps to making new friends and maintaining the relationships.

1. Create a strategy. You can't make friends just by being friendly. Check-out social networking sites like Friendster.com and MeetUp.com. If finding the time seems difficult, carve out one lunch or evening every three weeks as Catch Up. Whatever seems do-able is better than nothing at all.

2. Be proactive. You don't have to announce I'd like to be your friend, but you do need repeat exposure. Pour a little social cement by seeking out certain people more than once extend casual invitations when you can.

3. Sort your supply. Prioritize your friendships You don't have to officially break up with any friends you don't feel the need to see constantly, just make sure they're not siphoning too much time away from all the newer, or deeper, friendships that are worth the extra effort to nurture.

So take a friend-inventory today and see what type of friend might be great to add, which friend you could see a bit less of, and who you're dying to catch up with right now. Don't let a busy schedule get in your way. In the end, it's friendship itself that lightens your load and brightens your day."

Teenager Does Homework, Mom Smokes Pot With Him

Yahoo! News :" HANOVER, Pa. - A 13-year-old boy told police his mother required him to do his homework first thing when he got off the school bus, then smoked marijuana with him as a reward.

The mother said she had been smoking marijuana with her son since he was 11, usually as a reward, according to court documents.
The police interview came after officers executed a search warrant at the woman's home last weekend and seized marijuana, an array of drug paraphernalia and $600 in cash that she said belonged to a drug dealer, court documents said.
Amanda Lynn Livelsberger, 30, faces charges of marijuana possession, corruption of minors, endangering the welfare of children and possession with intent to distribute drug paraphernalia, police said.

Now this is one stupid mother!! In my eyes, come-on...She in one hand makes her son do his homework, so he can do something with his life and be somebody with a good job. But then she rewards him by frying his brain with a drug that will only kill those brain cells she is making him use, to learn. She has some real problems. I have known people in my past who smoked pot with their teenagers and I was angry when I even heard of it. Least to say we never stayed friends, I do not approve of any drug that endangers the body."

Not a worm at bottom of the rum barrel

Yahoo! News :" Budapest - Hungarian builders who drank their way to the bottom of a huge barrel of rum while renovating a house got a nasty surprise when a pickled corpse tumbled out of the empty barrel.

Workers in Szeged in the south of Hungary tried to move the barrel after they had drained it, only to find it was surprisingly heavy and were shocked when the body of a naked man fell out.

The body of the man had been shipped back from Jamaica 20 years ago by his wife in the barrel of rum in order to avoid the cost and paperwork of an official return.

According to workers said the rum in the 300-liter barrel had a "special taste" so they even decanted a few bottles of the liquor to take home.

The wife has since died and the man was buried in a proper grave."

Vibrator- Why They were invented

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Bathroom Test

" I was going thru my old file folder of things I have held on to over time and found this, read it again and it made me laugh. Now...I ask all of you who are reading this...Which one would you say a normal person would use?

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria is that defines whether a patient should be institutionalized or not. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub with water, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the water out of the tub."

Okay, here's your test:

1. Would you use the spoon?

2. Would you use the teacup?

3. Would you use the bucket?

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the
bucket since it is larger than the teacup or spoon."

Walking to loose weight

"I gained a lot of not wanted weight over the winter...Again!! So I figured with the warm weather here now I would start walking, well been taking both the dogs out with me and walking in 10-15. Walks to give them an outing too. Well this is more of a hassle then its worth with both dogs, so I figured after 5-days of being wrapped and then un-wrapping them from each other and myself with the leash's. Double dog walking was not my bag or not something I am good at, nor is it for my new problem I found I get...Anger/ with a dog...LOL Yup, I'm the crazy women out walking here dogs and yelling and mad as heck because they keep tugging and wrapping me between two walking ropes. Not going to do it anymore, I'm done will now only take them out one at a time till I can get them use to walking on walks with me. But I have been having a lot of back and leg pain since I started walking them, found this article below and wanted to save it here to come back and read till I know how to do them with out reading each time. Feel free to use them also it you think they can help you>>

It's not uncommon for people carrying excess weight who start a walking program to get back pain. As you walk more your muscles will get stronger and the pain will diminish. In the meantime you ought to start to strengthen your abdominal muscles by doing 2-3 sets of crunches every day (strong abdominals help with back pain), and you should also stretch your low back and legs (particularly calves and hamstrings) before and after walking and crunches (you can do just the low back stretches before and after the crunches). Here are stretches for your back: - knee crossover: lie on your back, keep both shoulders on the ground, and pull right knee gently across body with left hand so that it approaches the ground, and then repeat other side. If it hurts, don't do it. -- knee hugs: lie on back and gently pull knees to chest -- knee drops: lie on your back, feet on floor, knees up, drop both knees to one side, then the other side. You can also cross one leg over so the foot is resting on the other knee. Then gently pull the knee down to the floor with the foot. One of the exercises is to bend at the waist and touch my toes, can be done sitting or standing. The pelvic tilt also works great."

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE

A young girl went into Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal
lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. This was in Kansas City, Missouri

I laughed when I saw this as my daughter got a job working at a Taco Bell where she lives, Well CybillSkye this one for you. Hope you never make this mistake."

Helping Yourself & Others To Heal

Start Healing:" One of the principal ways we can help others to achieve new inner growth is by outgrowing ourselves. To help us understand the wisdom in this new idea we must first consider another equally important idea. A great portion of the way we "see" ourselves -- images of ourselves from which we derive our sense of self -- is actually a provision of our relationships with friends and family. Consider, for instance, that much of the way we measure the value of ourselves is secretly connected to those values we attribute to others close to us. For real-life examples of this pivotal idea we need only look into any close relationship of ours, but for now I'll draw upon the relationship I share with my wife in order to illustrate this particular point.

However I may look upon myself (perhaps as being kind, strong, or whatever the self-picture may be), this self-image is very much connected with an image of my wife that I hold in my mind's eye as being loving and wise herself. After all, I wouldn't take much stock in seeing myself as being worthwhile in her eyes (or those of any other person, for that matter) if I didn't believe that she was worthwhile, too. But the "danger" here -- in this largely unconscious, complex set of relationships shared with those closest to us -- becomes painfully obvious the moment one of these persons exhibits behavior "unbecoming" of them according to our vested idea of what makes them valuable to us. For in this same instant we perceive them as having shifted even slightly right or left of our designated center (for them), it is we who suddenly find ourselves feeling unsettled, angry, or strangely fearful.

At some point in our lives we have all dealt with uncomfortable moments where an unexpected or unwanted change in one near to us brings up some unpleasant reaction in us. Of course we are usually very quick to find fault with this person, but here is the real, invisible story. The reason we fall under the rule of these reaction-driven dark states, and then find ourselves trying to dictate the life direction of the "offending" person, is that something within us feels thrown for a loss. To understand why this is true, consider as deeply as possible the following insight, for it holds special clues to how we can outgrow our own painful condition as well as how we can help others to go higher.

The instant we perceive someone stepping outside "the box" of who we have always known them to be is the same moment in which we begin to fear the loss of who we need them to be in order to maintain our familiar sense of self. And, if we are honest with ourselves, this is the same moment in which we attempt, one way or another -- either through promises or pressures -- to get them back into the box.

In other words -- and please keep in mind that our controlling behavior is unconscious to us, as no conscious person would inhibit the growth of another's being -- something in us does not want this person to change. There is a sensing it will cost us too much -- a great "personal" cost that we will cover in just a moment. The unconscious self that sleeps in us can intuit that allowing such a transformation to take place will demand a similar transformation within us. And the truth be known, this same false nature wants nothing to change other than the deepening crystallization of its own imagined greatness... a greatness that includes its outrageous image of how accepting it is of changes in life and in others!

These findings all point to one key idea. There is one essential ingredient missing in most of our relationships -- one that is definitely required if we wish to continue in our own development and help others to do the same. What is this powerful catalyst that only we can provide for each other? Room in which to grow.

We can help others reach higher by simply agreeing, consciously, to give them space to go through their changes even when these changes may challenge our sense of self and its well-being. As just one simple example of how to help in this way, we must each learn to keep ourselves quiet when the actions of someone close to us start to disturb us. Why is this new kind of self-silence so important for the growth of both parties involved?

To begin with, the disturbance that we feel in these moments is caused by a tremor in us. This is to say that our shaky sense of self is an effect of some picture we have held of this person as it hits the ground and shatters. Apart from our children, whom we must guide through their developing years, we need to learn to leave people alone with their decisions and corresponding actions. There is already a truth, a wisdom that supports this conscious course of action.

We already understand that no action of ours ever goes without its commensurate reward. This eternal principle is best known as karma, the great, inescapable law of cause and effect. This means it is our own nature -- as the backstage parent of what prods us along in life -- that determines what we experience as our life. So too is it with our family and friends... each receives what he or she is -- no more, no less. This truth tells us why we must not only give them room to make the choices that they will, but then leave them alone to realize and experience the unique results of being who they are. How else can they learn and grow beyond themselves?

Understanding these truths mandates that we back off from being secretly on everyone's back, that we give them the inner room they need to grow and discover themselves. The difficulty here is that in order to give others this space they need, we must first make room within ourselves. To state this same idea differently, we must remove ourselves from our habitual inner places of judgments, opinions, and knowing better than anyone else. We have always called this place that must be left behind our "self."

This conscious sacrifice of self -- of who we conceive ourselves to be for the sake of who our friend or loved one is yet to be -- gives new meaning to the beautiful ideal of "laying our life down for our brother." This is how we help others to help themselves go higher... by daring to grow beyond ourselves.

I found this while surfing the net, and felt their is so much truth in what I have just read. I wanted to share with others."

Why Words Hurt

"Jane Goodall is a renowned primatologist best known for conducting a 40-year study of chimpanzee social and family life at Gombe Stream in Tanzania. She is the founder of the Jane Goodall Institute, a leading organization in the effort to protect chimpanzees and their habitats.

I think we are still in a muddle with our language, because once you get words and a spoken language it gets harder to communicate.

Chimps are very quick to have a sudden fight or aggressive episode, but they are equally as good at reconciliation. They make an appeasing gesture--reaching out a hand, crouching, giving little cries of fear or sadness. Then, very often, the aggressor will reach out and pat or reassure--offer an embrace or something like that--and the victim relaxes, and it is over.

When humans get these sudden outbursts of anger, we add words to the mix. And as you have probably experienced, it is much harder to forget a word than it is a slap. Words can be said in bitterness and anger, and often there seems to be an element of truth in the nastiness. And words don't go away, they just echo around. So even if you can make up, the words come back.

How true this is I have found in my own life, how words have effected and shaped my life when someone lashed out in anger at me. Or when I have bangergery and lashed out at them, oh it may of at the time made me feel better or stronger because I felt like I had got the upper hand by hurting someone with words, but now I ask myself at what did it cost me in trust from that person?"